I surrender
by DonEmilia
Summary: Even the great Samantha Carter, the world’s foremost expert on wormhole physics, gets lonely some times. Complete.


TITLE: I surrender  
  
RATING: G  
  
AUTHOR: Crimson Regret 177  
  
EMAIL: Jeeves177yahoo.co.uk  
  
STATUS: Complete  
  
CATEGORY: Romance  
  
SERIES: Future  
  
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer, Entity, Heroes Pt 2, The lost city Pt 2, Meridian  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Star gate isn't mine ::sob sob:: it belongs to those fabulous people at MGM, Gekko Corp, blah, blah, blah. The song isn't mine either, it belongs to Celine Dion, I just think the lyrics suit them really well.  
  
A/N: I don't know this song really well, but I saw an SJ music video for it at www.hoodatlair.com (which by the way, do the best SG1 music vids), and I thought the lyrics really suited them. Please R n R!  
  
I surrender  
  
There's so much life I've left to live  
  
And this fire's burning still  
  
When I watch you look at me  
  
I think I could find the will  
  
To stand for every dream  
  
And forsake the solid ground  
  
And give up this fear within  
  
Of what would happen if they ever knew  
  
I'm in love with you  
  
I was watching him this morning in briefing, watching me. He doesn't know I can see him, sneaking quick glances. He thinks no one else notices. Maybe no one does. Except me. Because I notice everything he does. I notice every time he pulls a face when I do my 'techno babble' speeches, I notice the way he feigns sleep whenever Daniel is giving a speech on some ancient culture. I even notice that when he pretends to be stupid, or not get something, that there is a look of recognition in his eyes, that tells me he knows more than he lets on. I think I'm the only one that notices that.  
  
If he ever told me exactly how he felt, I would give up everything, without a moment's hesitation. But, being Jack O'Neill, even I can never be sure of exactly what he feels. I know he feels something for me, I can tell when he looks at me. The way he keeps sneaking glances at me during briefings, as if we're co-conspirators, sharing some kind of secret. The trouble is, is that it? Does he look at me just as a friend, an ally? Or is it something deeper than that?  
  
'cause I'd surrender everything  
  
To feel the chance to live again  
  
I reach to you  
  
I know you can feel it to  
  
We'd make it through  
  
A thousand dreams I still believe  
  
I'd make you give them all to me  
  
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go  
  
I surrender  
  
Have I been honest with him though? Does he really know how I feel? I've been kidding myself all these years that it's up to him to make the first move, that he knows what I feel for him. But does he? Sometimes I think he does. The way he tortured himself for shooting me when that stupid computer virus was in me. The was he said he cared about me – a lot more than he was supposed to. But have I left it too late? Is that all gone now? Does he still care for me, a lot more than he's supposed to?  
  
It's been so long since I've had someone in my life, I often wonder if I'd cope now. I have friends, some family, co-workers. But it doesn't matter how many of those people I have, I always come home to an empty house, every night. And even the great Samantha Carter, the world's foremost expert on wormhole physics, gets lonely some times. But I wouldn't be lonely, I know. If I had Jack.  
  
That's why I have to tell him. If I don't, I'll go mad.  
  
I know I can't survive  
  
Another night away from you  
  
You're the reason I go on  
  
And now I need to live the truth  
  
Right now, there's no better time  
  
From this fear I will break free  
  
And I'll live again with love  
  
And no they can't take that away from me  
  
And they will see...  
  
I'm sick of everyone dictating what we have to do. The SGC, the military. They won't stop me anymore. I'm going to tell him, and I don't care what happens anymore. As long as I'm with Jack, that's all that matters. They can't take that away from me.  
  
That's why I'm in the car now, driving to his house. I don't even have to concentrate on where I'm going anymore, I've been here so many times, I go in to auto pilot. I've driven so many times, to his house, with the intention of telling him everything, only to get to his front door, lose courage, turn around, and go home. But not tonight. This time, I'm going to do it.  
  
Every night's getting longer  
  
And this fire is getting stronger, babe  
  
I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive  
  
Did you hear my call  
  
I surrender all  
  
I run through all my memories of Jack in my mind, trying to pinpoint exactly where I fell in love with him. But the truth is, I can't remember. I can never remember a time when I didn't love him.  
  
I then run through in my mind, when exactly I decided to do this. To confess all. To bear my heart. Because thinking back, I have never done this before. I have never dropped all guards, never told anyone exactly how I feel. But the weirdest thing about it all, is I'm not scared anymore. I know I'll do it this time. And it excites me. Exhilarates me even. But my hands are still shaking.  
  
Right here, right now  
  
I give my life to live again  
  
I'll break free, take me  
  
My everything I surrender all to you  
  
I guess it was when Janet died that I started becoming more open with emotions. I told my dad I loved him for the first time since I was a kid. I suddenly realized that we don't have all the time in the world. We aren't immortal. We've been lucky so far, SG1, but how long will out luck last? We came close to losing Jack, and we did lose Daniel for a little while. What if next time, we lose someone for good? Could I live with myself, knowing I never told him, that he never knew how much I loved him?  
  
I walk to his front door, and knock slowly and decidedly. I hear him approaching, and my breath quickens. I hear him opening the door, and eventually, I see him, and smile.  
  
"Carter?" He says, not hiding very well that he is pleased to see me. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I need to talk to you" I say, taking a deep breath. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Sure "He says, not knowing what I will say will change his life forever.  
  
Right here, right now  
  
I give my life to live again  
  
I'll break free, take me  
  
my everything I surrender all to you  
  
I surrender  
  
FIN  
  
Well, what did everyone think? Please R n R; even if it's just to tell me I'm a disgrace to fan fiction!! 


End file.
